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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  September 9, 2014 11:31pm-12:02am PDT

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>> jon: that's our show! join us tomorrow night at 11:00. ♪ (eagle caw) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: oh, hey! welcome to "the report," everybody! thank you for joining us! i'll be right with ya! (audience chanting "stephen")
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>> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen! thank you! (cheers and applause) i'll be with you in just one minute. i just need one second here. i'm still trying to load the iphone 6 announcement, so i can find out why i suddenly hate this iphone 5 i'm watching it on. (laughter) wow, 7.1 millimeters. i wonder how many that is? (laughter) of course, the iphone 6 wasn't the big surprise. many people predicted 6 would come after 5. (laughter) >> i am so excited and i am so proud to share it with you this morning. it is the next chapter in apple's story. (laughter) ♪
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>> stephen: woo! woo! woo! woo woo! (cheers and applause) woo! (cheers and applause) what does it do? (laughter) gotta have the apple watch! it's finally cool to wear calculator watch! who's the nerd, now, ben mcgooken?! i mean, this thing will change the way you rook at your wrist. but don't take my hype for it. take theirs. >> we've invented new, intimate
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ways to communicate directly from your wrist. >> stephen: i thought i knew all the intimate ways to wrist-communicate. what's left? wrist in butt? i don't know... (laughter) and folks -- (laughter) tragically, the apple watch is not available till 2015, whenever that is, i don't know, because i don't have an apple watch! (laughter) but i did manage to get my hands on an even more cutting edge product from an apple insider. well, an outsider. he was in the ally behind the apple store. say hello to the new wrist pad! (laughter) there it is. it's exclusive. look at that! yeah! (applause)
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the screen size is much better than the apple watch. let's see, what time is it? 11:04 -- is that right? yes, it is. this thing is gonna be huge. get out the i-scissors! there we go. (laughter) and, mm-hmm -- you can use this to give yourself an ibrazilian. (laughter) all right. mm-hmm, mm-hmm. all right. (laughter) nation, the mid-terms are almost here. (cheers and applause) folks, the mid-terms are almost here, and remember they count for 30% of your grade. and i'm confident that republicans are going to be kicking ass and taking seats because they've got a message that appeals to all americans, if you don't count 51% of them.
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>> an exclusive report states a study ordered by two republican groups found that female voters feel the party is stuck in the past. they also said the g.o.p. was intolerant and lacked compassion. nearly 50% of women had an unfavorable view of the republican party. >> the republican party is in worse shape with women now than it was in 2010. why do you think that is? >> i'm not sure. in spite of all this chatter, we're going to have a great year. >> stephen: yep, great year. super good. what were you saying? i couldn't hear you with all the chatter about how women hate us. okay, so republicans are having some lady problems. and they can't fix them the way you normally do, by drinking alone in the den with billy joel's "big shot" cranked all the way up. (singing) now you had to be a big shot, didn't ya! you had to prove it to the crowd! (applause) you had to have the last word! (laughter)
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but, because none of this is going to make it into the show -- (audience reacts) -- but there's hope for the g.o.p. in the latest installment of stephen colbert's "mid term roundup." ♪ yee-haw! once again, my thanks to steve carell for flying in to do that live. thank you, steve! you're a good man. first up, i'm a long-time fan of of former massachusetts senator and understudy in the mitt romney musical, scott brown. in 2010, he swept into office with an inspiring message for america -- >> i'm scott brown. i'm from wrentham. i drive a truck! >> stephen: it was the most
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exciting senate run of man and truck since senator prime. now brown is running for senate again in the heart of massachusetts. new hampshire. against incumbent democrat and dr. seuss tribute name jeanne shaheen. unfortunately, brown is losing the women vote to shaheen by 39 to 53%. haven't the ladies of new hampshire seen his old cosmo photospread? he should have an easy path to the senate. just follow the treasure trail. but scott brown has a new plan to win female voters -- give them the women for scott brown hero award! seen here being given to new hampshire businesswoman janice leahy. brown commemorated the occasion in a press release, saying -- i'm pleased to award janice with a hero award to celebrate her determination to maintain a business despite government red tape and burdensome
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regulations... it is very troubling to listen to janet's story. the most troubling thing about janet's story? her name is janice. (laughter) but that's not scott brown's fault. how's he supposed to remember her name? it's not like they went to the trouble to put it on the plaque. an extra 2 cents a letter. jane here was clearly moved by the honor. as she told the magazine, she was left confused and embarrassed by the whole episode, but i'm sure janine will remember this great honor come election day. scott has already inspired me to recognize the hard working business gals of my staff. come on out here, abby! abby, everybody. give it up! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: now -- thank you. abby -- >> it's ariel. >> stephen: i'm sorry, what?
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>> it's ariel. >> stephen: that's not what it says on the press release. i was told you asked for a meeting with me? >> well, yes, but i didn't mean on the show. >> stephen: this is the only free time i've got. i was in meetings all day with level 35 of candy crush. what's up? >> okay. well, i found out that jeremy is making more money than i am, even though we do the exact same job. (audience reacts) >> stephen: that is a serious accusation. who gave you that confidential information about your salaries? >> i'm the accountant. >> stephen: well, i'm sorry, avery. i'm with scott brown. we can't have burdensome regulation on small business. i should know, this program is registered as a family-run dry-cleaner, so i can deduct my bar bill as chemical solvents. but it took a lot of girl-balls for you to come here today, amber. and to reward that enterprising spirit, i am proud to announce that you are the first ever winner of the "women for stephen colbert female lady achiever,
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no penis? no problem!" award. (cheers and applause) just smile for the camera and thank me for all i've done for women. >> you've done nothing for women. >> stephen: that's not what it says on my "scott brown memorial you've just done something for women award." we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) ♪ vo: this is the summer.
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back. thank you so much! thank you! (cheers and applause) nation, the news right now is a little depressing, but when times are tough, america's small towns show us how folks make do with what they've got. this is hometown herotown. (trumpet sound) tonight's tiny town that could -- detroit. motown has fallen on hard times lately -- you've probably heard about it on the news, or if you're a local, from the traveling meat-traders who scavenge carcasses from the
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shoulder of the highway. right now, detroit is mired in the largest municipal bankruptcy in american history. the city manager estimates the total debt is likely to be between $18 billion and $20 billion. the figure is a little vague, since repo-men took the city's calculator. (laughter) but when the going gets tough, the hometown gets hero, and nobody knows that better than detroit's fire department which, contrary to popular belief, does not start fires. (laughter) these hard working middle-americans turned their lack-of-lemons into a lack-of-lemonade. jim? >> detroit gets about 11,000 fires in any given year. but how it gets those calls may surprise you. the city has no modern-day computerized system for getting emergency alert. in fire stations all across detroit, firefighters place a pop can filled with coins or screws on top of a fax machine. when an emergency alert comes through, the paper knocks down the pop can, the clanking noise means there's an emergency.
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>> when a run comes over the printer, it comes out, hits our faygo can. (clanks) and we get an alert. >> stephen: that's right, the alarm at many -- yes, give it up! (applause) can do! that's right, the alarm at many detroit fire stations is a faygo can full of screws -- which is, incidentally, the healthiest flavor of faygo. (laughter) well done, thrifty detroit firefighters, for showing you don't need the bells and whistles of actual bells and whistles. (laughter) this wobbly can system is foolproof, provided no one ever bumps the table. and this security innovation is no surprise. after all, detroit is the town that brought us robo cop, which, with today's budget, looks more like this. >> dead or alive, you're coming with me! drop i it!
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>> stephen: folks, when i see this jerry-rigged alarm system, it's clear these brave men and women deserve more... chances to make do with less. there's still plenty of fat to be trimmed. for example, right now emergency calls go to a central dispatcher who faxes it to the fire stations. why bother with dispatchers when homeowners can fax the station directly? if there's a fire, just remember the old saying -- stop, drop and roll -- over to your canon l.c. 2050 laser-class fax machine, then load paper in the tray, place your document text-side down into the feeder, dial your local fire station and hit "send." oh! and make sure you add a cover letter with the subject header "fire!" (laughter) (applause) so bravo to detroit's firefighters who solved their lack of an alarm with their can-do spirit -- by saying
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"let's have a can-do it." (laughter) we'll be right back.
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and prevent plaque, early gum disease and bad breath. sfx: ahhh listerine®. power to your mouth™! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: my guest tonight is an acclaimed actor, and i'm dying to find out how he met my mom. please welcome jason segel! (cheers and applause) hey, jason! nice to meet you! nice to have you on! >> thank you! >> stephen: now, you're an award-winning actor. >> i don't think i ever won an award. >> stephen: it says you're an award-winning actor.
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>> no. >> stephen: i have been keeping track of you nine years. you've never had a kelly or a satellite or anything like that? >> no. >> stephen: you want one? >> sure. >> stephen: there you go, here! you can have this one! (applause) hand me some of that scott brown (bleep)! >> thank you. >> stephen: anytime. tv star? >> yeah. >> stephen: movie star, musician. >> yeah. >> stephen: and you you've got a book here. >> yeah. >> stephen: it's called "nightmares." >> yeah. >> stephen: (cheers and applause) >> stephen: you're a quadruple threat at this point. >> yeah. >> stephen: isn't it a little late in your career to vie with james franco for most well-rounded alum? >> yeah yeah, (laughter) >> stephen: you ever call him and say, i'm coming for you with a book, (bleep)! >> i'm trying to focus. >> stephen: really?
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>> my whole career, i have been walking the line between child-like wonder and incredibly creepy. >> stephen: this seems like both! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: mom, i've met a wonderful guy, his name is jason, he has child-like wonder and is incredibly creepy (laughter) >> yeah. so i wrote the muppet movie. >> stephen: yeah. >> that's incredibly cool because there's a context now. but prior to that, i was just a grown man who lived with puppets in his house. >> stephen: jason, when everyone was gone, did they talk to you? (laughter) >> whatever! >> stephen: so what's it about? >> a kid whose mother passes away. >> stephen: it's a sad story. >> he has a sad life at the beginning. that's how he perceives it. his father gets remarried.
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when he does, the kid starts having terrible nightmares about witches eating his toes, which is a recurring nightmare i had growing up. >> stephen: honest to god, you dreamt witches were eating your toes? >> i dreamt every night witches were eating my toes. >> stephen: i would dream every night there was a skeleton and then when i woke up i would still think there was a skeleton. >> right. >> stephen: and then i had to touch fleshy humans to know i wasn't. >> wow! >> stephen: can you imagine waking up to that? a little boy touching you in your sleep so your skin would go around my bones and i wouldn't be a sceltsen anymore (laughter) >> yeah. don't you think that's why we ended up here? >> stephen: you're in comedy and i'm in news? (laughter) >> well, it' it takes a slight delusion, i've always felt, to believe -- what i have to say
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people think is worth sitting there and paying money to sit and listen to. >> stephen: seems natural to me. >> me, too, but doesn't seem natural to everybody else. >> stephen: really? >> yeah. >> stephen: no, everybody shut up, i'm talking (laughter) i have a question, this is for a friend. >> okay. >> stephen: you just finished a nine-year run. >> yes. >> stephen: of a television show. >> yes. >> stephen: again, this is for a friend. how would you recommend my friend approach ending this show that my friend does that's been on for nine years. >> yeah. >> stephen: is it hard ending a show offa nine years where it's your life, your family? >> yeah, it's a tricky thing. now is when we would be going back to the show. now is the trickiest time. i've never take an vacation before because i've done a movie
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every -- >> stephen: because you're employed as an actor. not having a job in los angeles, it's just one continuous vacation (laughter) >> i don't understand. >> stephen: i don't understand, either. >> so i went to europe for the first time, and the show, as it turns out, is is incredibly popular overseas. like, people love how i met your mother, which i was not aware of. so people would be, like, hey, marshall! hey, marshall! i hate to bother you but are you marshall? turns out they dub my voice the, like, a loveable oaf, and they dub me with people even stupider sounding than me. >> stephen: so you come off as intelligent. >> everyone's, like, you're so smart! (laughter) >> stephen: wow! >> and i'm, like, which way to the museum?
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oh, you're so smart! (laughter) >> stephen: asking which way to the museum makes you seem smart? >> he's a genius! >> stephen: i haven't finished the series, yet. >> okay. >> stephen: are you my mother? (laughter) >> if i say yes, do i get to experience your weird fleshy touch? >> stephen: yes. >> then yes! >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, jason segel, "nightmares"! we'll be right back! "nightmares"! we'll be right back! ♪ miller invented lite beer, the original 96 calorie pilsner, and that changed everything. this led to fewer guys with beer bellies. ...which led to more women attracted to those guys ...which led to dates, second dates, wedding bells, and honeymoons... ...which led to hubbada hubbada... boom! which led to you. miller lite, we invented lite beer, and you.
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>> stephen: that's it for "the report," everybody! before we go, jason, you were not aware you've won any awards, correct? >> correct. >> stephen: you've won a lot of awards. didn't say they were good awards. top box office films, television music awards, broadcast film upcritics, critics choice award, chicago film critics. lifetime achievement awards, 34 of them. the christopher awards, the denver film critics society awards -- hastings theatrical, harvard -- >> yeah. >> stephen: and tonight you're getting the scott brown memorial you've just done something for women award! (cheers and applause)
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good night! ♪ (cheers and applause) it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on today. what white e-smoke rising out of the cupertino headquarters can mean only one thing, the new iphone is here! the new iphone is here! [cheers and applause] with images much budding flower or space butthole i'm not sure. this morning's streaming event tim cook unveiled the iphone 6. it's bigger, faster, rounder, edgier. could describe the boners of the tech guys. to demonstrate we


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